“It will be okay Laurie, this is 100% happier.”
When Chad and I set out on the journey of life with one another we always talked, laughed and relished in the thought of the children we would someday have. I remember cruising backroads in his old standard GMC with "my big green tractor" by Jason Aldean blaring on the radio, keystone lights in the cupholder, legitimately giggling about baby names that would NEVER be a thing and also names that we loved. One thing we agreed on at the time was that we would have a big family, regardless of money in the bank or the house that we lived in. Another thing we were both set on- our children would only have one middle name. Each child would have a name that was solely their own and then carry one name of someone alive or deceased from either one of our families as their middle name.
This rule that we put forth for our family was followed through tenfold when we FINALLY conceived our first sweet girl as she was named "Oakley Elsie", Oakley after Annie Oakley a sharp shooter and strong female influence in the western world and Elsie after Chads amazing Great Grandma Elsie Beeton- whom we started this blog after, whom loved the sound of chickens more than myself and whom I had the pleasure of many years to get to know. When we found out we were pregnant with our second baby girl, I was over the moon excited that we got the opportunity to use another much loved baby girl name on my list- throughout my entire pregnancy we always knew our baby would be named Willa Hain and referred to her as that for the duration of our time together. Willa- means protector and when I picked it, I loved it because it was another strong female name, now that she is gone, the word PROTECTOR is even more fitting. I truly believe that Willa is our protector through and through. Willa's middle name- Hain, was my Great Grandmothers Maiden name. I thought it would be extremely meaningful + beautiful to incorporate a name that was long ago lost through marriage.
After Willa passed away I was set on scrapping the whole one middle name rule, I was scared. Scared that the people whom mean the most to us and whom We would want children to bear names after- wouldn't exist. So shortly after we said our forever earthly goodbyes to our daughter and found out we were expecting again, I knew that this baby would bear more than one name. Now this is where shit gets real from a bereaved mother.
I always pictured myself laying in the ultra sound room at my 20 week appointment and having the tech tell me that my baby was once again a girl. So when she gradually got to the area where we could determine the sex of our baby and she uttered the words "its a boy", tears started rolling down my face. These tears were not tears of happiness, they were tears of confusion, of shock and of disbelief. "I wasn't supposed to be a mom of a boy, I was supposed to have a girl." Gender disappointment is a real thing- After years of trying to conceive I honestly never thought it would happen to me and then after losing Willa I literally thought I would be ecstatic just to know I was once again carrying a healthy baby, but thats not what I felt and it wasn't by choice. It was purely the feelings that accompany being a bereaved mother who 8 short months before cremated her infant DAUGHTER, it was because I was supposed to have a daughter... a happy, healthy, living, breathing, 8 month old...I wasn't supposed to be experiencing everything I had just endured again but with nothing to show for it. It came on hard and lasted awhile and made my grief even harder. Leaving that dark ultra-sound room that day with tears rolling down my face, I looked at Chad and muttered "we are keeping the gender a secret until I can learn how to process this." How to process that? How in the fuck do you figure out how to process your reality when you're living in a bubble of chaos?
For months I would get the questions "so did you find out what you are having?" "Do you have any thoughts to whether its a boy or a girl?" "Did I miss your gender reveal?" and statements like "You are definitely having a boy." "You're carrying different." But the thing is...it didn't matter. It took me months to come to the terms that I was in fact carrying a boy, it took me even longer to be okay with the fact and it took me 0.0 seconds to fall completely and utterly in love with him the moment that he cried. I could never admit that then, for fear of judgement but i am 100% willing to admit it now and I am 100% happy that we kept it a secret so that I would have time to process it, because regardless if I liked it or not... I was having a boy. AND now, I am 100% completely in love with my boy and 100% completely know that regardless if I had, had a girl... she would never replace my Willa Hain. For me, this was a breakthrough within my grief rollercoaster.
And this is where the name Hayes Wilder Robert Trigg comes from. Hayes is the boy name we have had picked since we were pregnant with Oakley, we loved that it was different and unpopular at the time and just knew we would always use it for our first boy. Now the second part is where Chad and I had disagreement... Wilder. I knew that I wanted to name our next baby somehow after Willa but without being super obvious. I wanted Hayes' first name to be Wilder after his sister but didn't want him to have to bear that weight nor was Chad super fond on the name... but he caved as a second name. So with happiness in my heart our sweet baby girl Willa, lives on through every breath and pumping heartbeat of her Brother. Robert is super special to us on many fronts on both sides of the family- my Dad: Robert, Chads Grandpa: Robert Trigg, My Grandpa: Robert Wetherall and my Great Grandfather: Robert Herron. Overall Hayes has a beautiful name backed by multiple generations and people in his family that are shining light down on him from earth and above and I as a mother couldn't feel more blessed to have given life to a baby boy. But sometimes it just takes time to process and that is 100% normal.
Yesterday, I took Hayes for his 2 week doctor check up, with the same doctor that delivered Oakley, the same doctor that was supposed to deliver Willa and the doctor that delivered our sweet Hayes. The same doctor that breathed a sigh of relief when Oak finally made her entrance after 36 hours and said to the nurses "I could do that everyday." The same doctor that told me "Laurie it doesn't look good, there is no heartbeat." And the same doctor that stayed at the hospital well after he should have been there just so he could hear our third baby cry. The same doctor that sighed the biggest sigh of relief when Hayes was alive and healthy. And the same doctor that at Hayes' two week appointment said to me "it will be okay Laurie, this is 100% happier."
100% happier indeed, Welcome to the family Hayes Wilder Robert Trigg.
Friends when life throws you curveballs and gut wrenching heartbreak sometimes PLANS are meant to be changed and for us, it brought a blessing, our sweet baby boy.