Often when you are pregnant you don’t feel like yourself.
You feel as though so many parts of who you are, are missing and incomplete.
You travel through a journey of being someone else’s home for 40 weeks.
Your body changes in ways you never thought imaginable.
Many of these changes are visible to the eye of others, while many are not.
You constantly wonder who you are going to be when your journey has ended.
You wonder how you will manage becoming a human in charge of the life of someone else.
You wonder how you will possibly manage more than just yourself, when on the best of days life is hard enough as it is.
You wonder how long it will take to get your pre-pregnancy body back and feel concerned about the stretch marks, the extra skin and the blemishes that have shot out of no where.
You wonder if your brain will get back to the head space where it used to function.
After trying for multiple years for our sweet Oakley, I was so baffled to find out that we were pregnant.
I embraced every. single. second. of being pregnant.
Everything was different with Willa.
It happened so fast, that being pregnant just felt like my new norm.
I took it for granted.
I didn’t document it the way I did with Oakley.
I was hardly through my “fourth trimester” with Oakley when we found out we were being blessed again.
I was recently medicated for postpartum depression and anxiety and wasn’t myself at all.
I knew we were having a girl from the beginning, I pictured them playing together everyday.
I felt as though if I just got through the 40 weeks it would all be over with and I could be myself again.
I would have my girls and figure out me, again.
I regret that… every single day.
Yesterday I was triggered.
It happens more often than not.
Every pregnancy, every crying baby, every glowing bump, every pair of little sisters…
I was caught off guard and didn’t know what to say.
Someone asked me “hows your girls? You have two now, right?”
I just awkwardly nodded and got in my car and left.
“I don’t know how they both are…I wish…I did.”
Looking through pictures this evening, I have a total of 5 belly pictures of Willa…5.
I had asked Chad to take pictures of some clothing I had refurbished.
It was freezing cold.
I was miserable.
I remember being and acting miserable towards him.
I was mad that I looked fat in all the pictures.
I remember taking the camera and deleting picture after picture.
“My face was too fat, it was a bad angle, couldn’t he just get it right.”
As mammas we are too hard on ourselves.
As pregnant women we are too hard on ourselves.
We are bearing another soul within ours.
We are literally feeding and pumping life into another living body that has made a home within ours.
If I could go back…
I wouldn’t delete a single photo.
I wouldn’t think that my face was fat, that it was a bad angle or that I just hated the way I looked.
I would relish in the fact that my baby was healthy, I was alive and I was blessed….even if I only got her for a short time.
These photos were taken exactly one month before our sweet Willa joined us.
I was counting down the weeks, days and minutes.
I was looking forward to breast-feeding, dressing a tiny little girl and getting my body back.
I had filled the dresser in the living room half were her things and half with her sisters.
I had brought in some of the baby goods we would soon have to use.
I took two more photos after these and they were on the night we lost her.
I have decided that when we are blessed again, I won’t take a single moment for-granted and I am writing this so you do the same.
Every single moment.
The morning sickness, the weight gained, the stretch marks, the worry, the love, the plans.
Enjoy every single second of it.
Oh’ how if I could do things differently I would.
I would take every photo.
I would document every change, in every day.
Just so I could remember what things looked like, smelled like, sounded like and felt like on each glorious day that you were being carried within me.
I wouldnt automatically clear the house of all of your things.
I would leave them there for awhile, so everything didnt feel like a dream.
In a sense this has made a daunting task worse, because one day I will have to go through all of those things again and I don’t even remember what is there.
We are so blessed to have had you with us for 39 weeks and 5 precious days Willa.
We love you more than you will ever physically know and are soaking in the photo memories.
We know one day we’ll meet again but until then we are waiting for your rainbow.
We love you tiny angel.