Thump, Thump, Thump.
The beating of a heart on a doppler that you only hope… belongs to your baby and not to you.
Thump, thump, thump.
“I’m sorry we still couldn’t find anything.”
A ringing in your ears like you’ve never heard before.
Everything is different, but yet, the same.
My baby is not alive.
After everything has finished and your baby is here and then gone, you sit in silence watching your loved ones by your side trying to sleep.
You notice as their chests rise and fall, the quiver in their lips, the grimace on their faces, the pain.
You want to wake someone so you don’t feel so alone but instead relish in the fact that you aren’t alone… with the presence of their warm bodies around you.
You sit staring at the same place on the wall for what feels like hours, but yet only minutes go by.
You startle at 3:00 am as your phone rings.
It’s your older sister, just wanting to make sure you’re okay.
You pick up the phone not wanting to talk to anyone.
You try not to cry and tell her “everything will be okay.”
Everything was not okay, she knew.
She responds: “Bec is here and we are flying out first thing in the morning.”
You tell her, “please don’t, I will be fine.”
But deep down you know, that the people whom you have fought with, compared yourself too and admired your entire life, were the only ones you truly needed in that moment.
So you backtrack on your previous response and just say: “okay see you tomorrow.”
When you live two provinces away from your immediate family you want every single moment you get to spend with them to be joyous. You want to celebrate how much you have grown as individuals and laugh about all the previous arguments you’ve had.
Never in my life did I think that MY two adult sisters would be coming to my rescue because I had lost my child.
But they did.
They were there.
They sat beside me in silence, they cleaned my house as I slept, they held my hand as I decided what I wanted to do for my sweet baby and kissed my head as I fell asleep with tears running down my face.
They held me in the shower at 2 am as I uncontrollably cried and was mad at the world, they let me kick and scream and be incoherent.
They saw every ounce of my naked body, the deepest parts of my soul and every insecurity I have… and do you know what they did?
They cried alongside me, they laughed when I laughed, they didn’t judge my new postpartum body that didn’t have a child to show for it and they lived for me when I couldn’t.
They played with my toddler in ways that I wasn’t able to at the time.
They lived and breathed every fucking awful second of my life beside me as I tried to learn and navigate what it meant to now be a mother, a wife AND a grieving parent.
These two people are reasons why I thank GOD that I’m alive.
I am so thankful, that I have SISTERS.
I Love you guys,