“Get a grip on reality.”
Those are words that were said to me today, from who? It doesn’t matter.
But, I will tell you this.
It is hurtful to suspect that the way a family who has recently lost someone that they hoped and prayed for, for not only nine months BUT years could and will take offence too.
The way a family of loss portrays themselves to the world and to the public is completely different from what is happening behind closed doors, behind tired eyes and aching hearts.
If you want to completely shatter someone, those are the words you should speak.
Grief COMES IN WAVES.
I have said it before and I have said it a thousand times and I will say it a billion times more.
Longing for your child whom you held in your heart for forever and in your womb for nine months without getting to hear her cry is not something you forget overnight, in a few weeks, a few months or a few years. It is something you hold with you for forever.
YOU DO NOT GET OVER IT AND YOU DO NOT “GET A GRIP ON REALITY.”
THIS IS OUR REALITY.
We live every single day longing for the child that we never got to hear cry, bring home from the hospital or grow alongside her tiny sister.
I watch her father every single day try and ease the pain as he walks on eggshells around the topic of everyone whom is expecting, who doesn’t look at the tiny turquoise box upon our dresser, doesn’t like to look at her picture hanging on our wall and likes to avoid the topic of future babies.
I watch as her big sister, kisses her sisters photo, says baby, constantly touches my belly with a questioning look and questions who the baby on the wall is.
I sit by myself in my car and listen to her song, I watch the weeds grow in the garden that was once filled with so much love and longing and photoshoots of bellies that were meant to birth our next smiling giggling little girl.
I witness every single trying and expecting person around me afraid to talk about their expecting babies and worse yet I see fear in my friends eyes as they worry that what happened to us, could and may happen to them.
We have showed nothing but love and excitement for everyone in our lives who is blessed to have a healthy, happy baby coming soon, still with pain in our own hearts I may add and just so you know it takes a lot of effort as my heart aches for my baby.
We count every milestone, every day, and every moment that she is not here with us.
We have bins of unworn clothing, an empty baby swing and packages of frozen milk that our baby never had the opportunity to drink.
THIS is reality.
So next time you feel the need to insensitively ask for something for the need, “that we don’t need it and someone else CAN use it”. Remember this:
We have not forgotten.
We will never MOVE on.
Another child will never fill the void.
Words DO hurt.
And ultimately there is no need to “get a grip on reality” when we are still and will always be grieving.
Think about the things you say to everyone and especially to individuals of loss.
The smiling faces you see, aren’t always what you would suspect.
This is us, this is backwoods.