Scrutiny

Life: constantly changing, constantly moving, constantly growing.

I have seen this a lot this summer.

It has been three weeks since I last wrote, I haven’t been able to find any words to fully describe what I’m feeling because I am feeling fine.

I have been constantly changing, moving and growing.

And I am fine.

FINE.

When you are feeling okay after just losing a child and others surrounding you are not yet feeling that,  you almost feel guilty or like somethings wrong with you. You wonder if something worse is yet to come, if a tsunami of emotions is soon to hit you and it may.

All you want is to be…ok.

And when you are, it feels weird.

I will tell you this, grief is weird but you learn a lot about yourself and the people surrounding you throughout the journey.

I have learned that people stare, gawk and scrutinize your capabilities. People wonder if you are okay, they wonder if you are coping, they wonder if you are adequately caring for your live child, husband and responsibilities. People judge you for staying home and they judge you for letting loose in public. It doesn’t matter what your situation, lifestyle or current state is… people get involved and make you their project.

The things I have learned about people throughout this grief journey are; you have to tell people straight up, you have to cope the way you are meant to, you have to grieve the way you are meant to and you have to journey through this new-found path you didn’t ask to be on… in a way your heart intends you to without worrying about the scrutiny that will come your way.

CRY, LAUGH, DANCE, DRINK, MELT DOWN, SWEAT, DO NOTHING.

Just do you whatever the fuck you want.

I haven’t meant to be absent from this space but have felt the need to keep my opinions and feelings to myself for further fear of judgement and scrutiny.

This is all: Don’t mistake my kindness, normality or willingness to be assent for weakness. I am kind to everyone and put my heart on my sleeve always but when you scrutinize my life or how myself or my family are coping… kind is not what you are going to remember about me.

(maybe I’m in the anger stage of grieving….well here it is.)

That is all.

If you have been truly wondering and concerned about how we have been doing, here is some of our summer.

And it has been FINE.

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Happy four months tomorrow Sweet Willa Hain <3, we love you and have not forgotten.

xox

Laur

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