Always One missing, Always missing One.

10 days.
It has been ten days since I last wrote.
Not because I didn’t want too, but because I was in a phase of blocking out reality.

This weekend is our sweet girls memorial.
The day that we plant her tree.
The day we plant her garden.
The day we play her song.

Somehow I have been blocking it out because in a sense I feel as though others think it will be final.
Like, I will be over everything that happened to our family.
Like, I will be able to finally get back to life, like it was before.

Life will never be “like” it was before.

We will always have ONE missing and always be missing ONE.

Today we had a nurse come to do our life insurance check-ups and on the form there is a question where it asks about ultra sounds.
She told me “just fill out the form.”
Check yes or no, and we will go over it in detail when you have completed it.
When it came to that question…she said “You said you have, had ultra sounds in the last year but your daughter is over a year, why was that?”
I responded, “Well I was pregnant, we just had a baby in April.”
She proceeds to say…kind of laughing  “oh, well where is that baby, is she sleeping?”

“Yes.”
“Yes, she is sleeping permanently.”
“She never made it.”

Straight face.

Radio Silence.

No one knows how to respond.

I don’t blame you.
I don’t blame any of you.
I know all of you reading this, don’t know what to say.

To be honest we don’t know what to say either.
We don’t know how to answer the questions.

We don’t know what to say when people say “I’m sorry for your loss”.
We don’t know what to say when people ask “what happened?”
We don’t know what to say when people ask “when are you having more kids?”
We don’t know what to say when people ask “how many children do you have?”
We especially don’t know what to say when people say “well you’re young, you can have another one.”

This is what I have come to understand.
Oakley is our earth daughter.
Willa is our spirit guide.
We have one earth daughter and one heavenly, beautiful, spirit daughter.

We have two children.

SPEAK HER NAME.

PLEASE.

People always seem so terrified to speak her name around me as if they don’t want to remind me of my loss.
I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN.
WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN.

She was ours for 39 weeks and 4 days.
We went for a check-up over 6cm dilated, thinking we were meeting our baby girl, only to find out she wasn’t there.
WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN.

Speak her name, because she’s beautiful.
She’s blonde.
She runs through my dreams every single night.
She runs through our minds through every second, of everyday.
She plays with her sister,
She is WILLA HAIN.

Always one missing and sadly we are always missing one.

family portrait

A family portrait with our Willa Bird.

xox,

Laur

3 Comments on “Always One missing, Always missing One.

  1. Laurie…..such beautiful words, to attempt to convey the loss and grief that most people don’t dare speak about! ❤️

    Like

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