Mom, Mama, Momma, Mummy.
A name we all know.
It is written in so many ways, so many varieties.
It is known all around the world.
It is a crown that all of the able, willing and privileged get to adorn.
The positive test, the nausea, the confirmation, the start of the little belly, the cravings, the mood swings, the sound of a beating heart, the transformation from regular clothing to maternity… we all feel it, we all go through it.
Sometimes its hard.
Sometimes we cry.
Sometimes we lash out.
Sometimes we just want it to be done and over with.
We want it to be done, until the day that it is done… but we walk away with nothing but memories.
Being a woman who went through an entire pregnancy… hoping, dreaming and preparing for what should have been, experiencing all of the bodily and emotional changes.
I just wish someone had warned me.
Warned me about how what I had dreamed, longed for and pictured wasn’t going to be.
Now that we have been open about our experience a ton of people have reached out to us with similar circumstances, thanking us for bringing light to such a stigmaztized conversation. While many situations aren’t quite the same, they are just as crucial and heartbreaking as everyone; reacts, copes and learns to live through it in such a different way.
I feel as though I need to speak on behalf of all of my fellow loss mamas and bring light to something that our society and general population never consider.
I say this, because before I was a Mom of loss I never considered it either.
I talked about how hard being a Mom is, but being a Mom who has just had a baby is so much harder, you are dealing with raging hormones, physical changes and adapting to a new lifestyle that incorporates your new baby.
But even more stigmatized, no one ever talks about how it would feel to be a Mom experiencing all of the normal postpartum notions without the baby to show for it.
As a new Mom you feel; overweight, out of sorts, overwhelmed and just overly exhausted.
As a Mom of loss you still feel all of these things but no one sees it.
When you have a new baby, everyone understands.
People feel your struggle, they offer to help you, they converse with you about how old your baby is, they ask how many other children you have and they make jokes about waiting until you “have a few more.”
When you are a Mom of loss;
-you feel as though the general public look at your toddler as though they are just a brat and having a fit, but they are hurting too.
-you feel as though individuals probably think that you still haven’t lost the “baby weight” from your last bambino.
-you feel as though you should be back to your normal self, but you just can’t get into that headspace.
-you hate every single part of your body and are mad at it for not blessing you in the way it was supposed too.
-you feel like your entire house, creativeness and life are a fucking mess… because it is, it all is.
AND lastly you think… you just don’t give an eff about what anyone thinks of you.
Love the girl whom ripped four loads of clean laundry out of the laundry room to try and find something she didn’t feel “fat” in before leaving the house and fed her family hot-dogs for dinner.
No one’s perfect and as great as our life looks, it’s not always rainbows.
We do our best, we aren’t the best.
This is real, this is us.