I feel like there hasn’t been a triumph or tribulation that we’ve endured that we haven’t come out stronger in some aspect.
We always say “shit” happens to us in trying ways because we feel as though one day we will finally get a “freaking break” and then as soon as things are peaking, something awful takes us on an unbelievable downward spiral.
Drowning, that is what our entire relationship has felt like.
Drowning… and then a “high” bigger than any narcotic could ever give us, if we chose to indulge.
There has been so many times where we’ve questioned if we were going to make it through things, but somehow each challenge that makes us sacrifice, brings us closer together.
It is so weird to think that we have been together for 8 years, married for 5 this year… babies, we were babies.
We didn’t even know who we were as people, let alone know who we were in a relationship standing beside someone else.
Kudos, kudos to you, for being such a respectful, contributing member of society. You have made your parents so proud. But you have made me even MORE proud. Getting to witness you evolve from being a lost teenage boy into the man you are today makes me weak in the knees.
I remember the day I met you.
I’ll be the first to admit, it wasn’t you I was “visiting” at the time. I came to the college for a weekend to get away from life. My longterm boyfriend and I had just fallen apart after being together throughout all of high school.
My heart was absolutely broken.
After getting ditched for “bigger and better” things, you took me under your wing as a HUMAN, someone you had never met before. You showed me what it was like to be treated like a lady, in the way your Mama and MY Daddy would have both been so proud of, if they had only known.
We didn’t talk for months after that first encounter, but when we did again, it’s because my heart felt pulled to reach out. I had moved back home to my parents, after moving two provinces away for what I thought was a permanent situation. You had added me on social media and I didn’t accept your request for weeks. I didn’t trust anyone. Boys scared me, period.
We talked for a few weeks, endlessly.
The weeks turned into months.
We were two provinces away from each other the entire time.
YOU became the person whom I felt like I could tell anything to.
And then it happened, you texted me back one night and said “I have a girlfriend and she doesn’t want me to talk to you.”
I’m not going to lie, that hit me in the chops.
You had become my best friend.
Something that my girlfriends could never give me.
You just knew.
I just knew.
Even with everything that we would endure in our lives, somehow we would be together and go through it together.
I just knew.
I was lying on my childhood trampoline, a warm summer day, you texted me out of the blue and said “what do you want in life?”
I responded “a family and a life in the country.”
Right then and there, you told me you were breaking up with the girl you were in a relationship with because I was different than any girl you had ever met. I AM different then any girl you’ve ever met because I’m the girl, whom you chose to be your wife. You told me you wanted me to come to a wedding that you had to attend in the next month. I couldn’t get the time off work, so I quit my job and went to work at a fishing lodge. Once again, I had moved hours away from everything I knew to waitress and serve iced cream cones to kids, but I was able to attend that wedding with you.
My Mama was scared to death to let me get on that plane.
I would… and will be the same if it’s ever our girls.
I don’t blame her.
Not knowing where your baby is landing or whom they are going to meet on the other side.
If only she knew at that time, that I would be meeting my forever person.
Your Mama was just as scared to meet me, as I was her.
Now I love your Mama, Daddy and your brother as if they were my own.
They ARE my own.
That week, spending time with your friends and family justified it for me.
I am still here.
Two provinces away from everything I’ve ever known, because of you.
We have endured myself and yourself going to college.
More tests on a relationship then anyone should have to encounter.
Heartstrings getting pulled in so many ways and more fights than we care to admit.
We have made it through; a move from two provinces away, both of us attending college, living in a basement, an abortion, renting a house and getting evicted from a house, multiple job losses and job gains, a wedding, buying a ranch, having money and being more broke than anyone could ever imagine, heartstrings, heartstrings “oh the heart-strings”, getting to the point where we decide if we are going to feed ourselves or feed our animals, trying for a baby for years, more heartstrings, a broken face, finally conceiving our first baby, second chances, birthing our first baby, living some of the most beautiful moments of our lives, gaining more animals, working every single day trying to do well for our family, a depression diagnosis, getting pregnant again on a beautiful whim, struggling even more, working even more, spending countless hours apart, enjoying our last moments of being a family of three, preparing to become a family of four and continuing the rat race throughout it all.
You dealt with every moment of each pregnancy.
The nausea, the tired days, sleepless nights, the endless peeing, the moments spent in front of the mirror not feeling good enough and the moments of pure selfishness on my part because I felt like it was something I was
going through. And even with how selfish I could be, you would just laugh and tell me how beautiful I was, you still do.
It was US, it WAS and always is us, we did all of this together.
And now we are enduring just one more thing together.
The loss of our second born.
I remember you being so scared at the end of my pregnancy as the weeks progressed.
“I’m so scared you’re going to go into labour when I’m not home.”
I reassured you, it would be okay and you would get there, I would try my best to wait for you.
You didn’t want to go to work that Monday because you had a feeling.
You went anyways,
you always do.
You work so hard for our family.
I literally went for my check up, Oak and my mom were with me. I was so excited to show them Willa’s sweet heartbeat.
There was nothing…. NOTHING.
I knew she was gone.
I panicked but had high hopes.
I’m not fully ready to disclose the entire situation, that is for another post for when my fingers feel as though they can even type it… because every time I think about it, my heart just stops.
I knew I had to make the call to you and I couldn’t get through no matter how hard I tried.
I was constantly put through to a different line and kept getting another womans voice at your work and they didn’t understand the panic in my voice because I tried to remain calm. Calm for Oakley, my mama, our Willa, you and me.
Until I finally broke down in tears and just pleaded that I needed to talk to you.
When you called me back, I heard the panic in your voice because you thought it was your time. Your time to leave work and come and meet your new baby girl.
It was the time, you were going to meet her, but you were also going to say “goodbye” all in the same night.
When I had to tell you that she was coming but there was no heart beat…I could tell, I could just tell, that your heart stopped and sped up at the same time.
“WHAT, what do you mean? I’m coming.”
That’s all I remember you saying.
And you came.
You got there in time and you were there for me the entire time just as you always are.
You held my hand, you cried with me, you were strong with me, you listened as the doctor told us our options, you rubbed my back, you held my hair, you tried to distract me, you put liquid up to my lips so I could drink, you reassured me that we would love her and grow through this. Tears streaming down your face you confessed that the only thing you were worried about was me, worried that this would break me.
You have loved me hard and loved Oakley even harder through this.
You are the best Dad.
A better Dad than I could have ever hoped for, for my girls, but better yet, you are a better husband.
You make my parents and siblings so happy.
You make your parents and brother so incredibly proud.
And you make all three of your girls, Oakley, Willa and I, so incredibly honoured to call you OURS.
We will stand by you, even when we fall.
Happy Birthday Baby.
I am so proud to call myself your wife, so honoured to make babies with you and feel more connected to you now than I’ve ever been.
There are literally no words.
I love you,