Selfish.

There are so many instances in life where you think “it will never happen to me” until “it” does.
It doesn’t matter the instance: debt, divorce, deception, dependency, disease, death.
The painful things in life are often thought about, but thought about happening to others far away from our immediate circle but in the end, inevitable.

When dreaming about my future I always knew I would be a mama to many babies. However, I never dreamt that I would be a mama to an angel at only 27 years. I feel as cliché as it may sound, you always have to expect the unexpected. For me, everything that has occurred in the last few weeks has been unexpected.

I spent 39 weeks + 4 days preparing for our beautiful baby girl.
Preparing little clothes.
Preparing little blankets.
Preparing little cloth diapers.
Preparing for our renovations.
Preparing big Sissy for the arrival of baby Sissy.
But nothing, not one thing could prepare me for the look on my doctors face when he couldn’t find a heart beat.

As a Mama you soak up each moment that you carry your sweet little within. You cherish each kick, each wiggle, each doctors appointment and each time someone asks how far along you are. You perk up and fill with delight each time someone asks you if you know whether you’re having a boy or girl and you feel like you have the biggest secret in the world when someone asks if you’ve thought of a name for your sweet babe.

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My pregnancy with Willa was normal.
It was healthy.
It was beautiful.
It was so cherished.
It was so wanted.

She was so wanted.

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I used to pride myself in being the type of person who would do anything for anyone. I’ve regularly put the needs and wants of others before my own. I prided myself on being selfless.

I’m different now.

I still have an undeniable want and need to love on others but that now looks different as I learn to do unto and consider myself first.

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Throughout the last few weeks I have had many instances where I felt selfish. As if the time I got to spend with Willa should have been shared.
And then I learned I was wrong.
Being selfish is the act of not considering others.
I was not being self-centred, I am not being self-centred, I am simply engaging in the act of self-preservation.

Sometimes it’s okay to self preserve because “it” may happen to you.

It’s okay to be “selfish.”

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xox

Laur

5 Comments on “Selfish.

  1. I wish there were words to help you in some way. A way to ease your pain. I can’t imagine the pain you and your family are going through. It is completely okay to self preserve, to focus on what is best for your family right now. That is the most important thing. One day at a time.

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  2. This is so beautiful and so true. I can relate to these words and right now I am truly trying to focus on self care and time for me being okay. Blessings to you and your family. Your spirit and heart is so strong. Take the time.

    Like

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