Motherhood is a beautiful yet scary and overwhelming existence. A place where you have everyone’s opinion and help all at once and then you are left alone.
To be honest I’ve been wanting to share our beautiful baby girl Oakley and the family we have become for some time now. 6 weeks to be exact but haven’t found the words nor the time to do so. In good “time” I will do both.
We have had many days with many good people and days where it was just the three of us and days where it was just the two of us. Many amazing days and some bad days too, but far too many good to outweigh the bad.
Before you have a baby everyone and all their friends are more than willing to give their opinion and you laugh them off and say “freezer meals? Don’t need them. Stock pile? Don’t need that. I’ll have so much time.”
But friends time is of the essence and I’m not even going to pretend like I’m an expert… but when people say those things, do yourself a favour and believe them. Fill your freezer high because your time is now slim to none or even nonexistent.
As I sit here looking at my once meticulously clean to me house, with its white tile floors that haven’t been hand washed in over a week & the build up of “at least” clean laundry sitting in the hampers scattered around our bedroom waiting to be put away and the echo of “thank you god for friends who made me freezer meals” still lingering in the air. All I can do is laugh at the thought of “all the time” I thought I would have being home with our baby girl everyday.
With every spare five minutes that I have between the crying, cooing & diaper changes, I slip into my oversized rubber boots, ready for the page in the hottest magazine that’s titled “hot mess” with my pony tail in my hair and sporting last nights pajamas. I run outside to feed my small animals and livestock. I quickly breathe in the sharp fall air, all while thinking about the 1001 things I have to do inside since our baby is finally sleeping. I slowly and peacefully fill water buckets, dump out scraps to the pigs, fill feeders and take a moment to scratch my potbelly Calamity Jane behind the ear before gracefully collecting my beautiful brown eggs my hens have laid. With the days abundance of eggs nestled into the pocket of Chad’s oversized hoodie I walk back to the house and longingly peer into the window hoping to capture my baby that we tried and prayed for, for so long to be sleeping with that sweet half smile on her face… But she’s awake and crying and ready to be fed again. I look down at my dogs with the promise of coming back outside to play and a pang of guilt still on my lips and I start to run… clumsily crushing eggs as I do so. The baby, Oakley needs me and this is the moment I’ve been waiting for my whole life.
This to me. Right now. Is motherhood.